My Valentine

February 14, 2011

Jen, Happy Valentine's Day. Wow, it's just amazing to me how much I have grown to love and care about you. It has been an wonderful ride. Thanks for loving me and giving me a million reasons to be crazy about you.

I thought it would be fun to share with you some entries from my journal from when we were dating. I tried to keep them just as I wrote them, so please excuse any poor sentence structure and several simply awful word choices.

October 12, 2003

[misc. journal entry]…as if that wasn’t exciting enough, I had another series of experiences that have kept me on my toes. Two weeks before school ended, Elder Cory Payne, a missionary in my district at the MTC, started a discussion in class about his belief that everyone at BYU somehow knows everyone else at BYU.

He threw out two names of girls he had known in high school: Jen Hawks and Chelsey Carlisle. As I suspected, I didn’t know either one and therefore had debunked his theory. Still, he was determined to make a connection, so he proceeded to describe each in detail. Hair length, eye color, and height. He also told me that they both danced with the Cougarettes. I definitely didn’t know any Cougarettes, once again disproving his theory.

The next day, I was visiting with my sister Lindsey and somehow through some random conversation found out that these two dancers just happened to be in her ward, and that Lindsey really liked Jen. Elder Payne was right, darn it! Apparently, everyone at BYU somehow does know everyone else at BYU! So, the next day at the MTC, I told Elder Payne about his victory and gave him a quick version of the story. He explained that they were friends and since he was leaving in a couple of days for the field, he asked me if I would deliver a couple of letters to them…[and I agreed].

However, he had a surprising request for me regarding the delivery. I was supposed to read the letters out loud to the girls. Elder Payne was a funny kid, so I didn’t think much of it, but wasn’t exactly excited about doing it. When I returned the next day, he had the letters ready and later that afternoon, I started my adventure.

I knocked on the random front door that matched the description [I had been given] of the apartment of random girls I had never met before. “Come in!” came loudly from somewhere behind the door. As I walked in, I saw a cute girl doing some homework in the kitchen (not Jen). A few minutes of awkwardness followed after she shot me a quick glance that said, “who are you and what in the world are you doing here?” I quickly retold the story about Cory, the MTC, and all the fun details in-between. After some discussion, she asked me to read the letter to her. I happened to be in a hurry and decided that I didn’t particularly want to read the letter to her out loud (for several reasons) and told her to just go ahead and open it later. Instead, she tore open the letter and read it out loud. As she finished, I determined that she had just read the most boring letter I had ever heard. Why in the world was I supposed to read that out loud?” It wasn’t even funny or anything? Just your typical “Hey what’s up, I’m going on a mission, everything’s great, etc…” Boring. Weird, right?

Anyway, Chelsey and her roommates Erin and Mel were the only ones home, so I didn’t get a chance to meet the other friend of his, Jen Hawks. It turned out that Erin and Chelsey were really nice girls and looked like they could be fun friends. I said goodbye and told them to just give the other letter to Jen when she got home. They agreed and I went on my way.

This is where things got interesting. By interesting, I mean this where the story gets good. Upon returning to the MTC and telling Cory of the success of the operation, he responded by saying, “Oh, uh… sorry if I embarrassed you.” A little confused by his answer, I started to wonder immediately what had happened that I had missed. Had there been some kind of secret code of high school jargon that I had overlooked? Cory continued, “That letter to Jen didn’t embarrass you?” My snappy and suspicious response was, “Uh, no she wasn’t there so we didn’t read it…WHY?!?” He could no longer look me in the eyes and mumbled quickly, “Uh…yeah…no, don’t worry about it, it’s nothing.” I insisted on details, but he wouldn’t budge. I honestly had no idea what do expect, but my mind stared to race and my curiosity got the better of me.

That afternoon, I immediately went to the girls apartment just to clear up anything that might have needed explaining. I’m not really sure exactly why I went back, but it turned out to be a good thing I did. As I walked in the front door, there sat Chelsey, Mel, and Erin sitting at the kitchen table listening to a young lady named Jen Hawks, read aloud the letter from Cory to her. Before I continue, keep in mind that three of the roommates know very well who I was, but Jen at this point had never seen me before. O.K., let’s continue. As I approached the table, the words she was reading aloud took a drastic turn. The letter from Cory went something like this, “Well, that’s enough about me. Jen, I really, really think you should go out on a date with Brother Lundeen. He is so…” The roommates who knew my identity burst into laughter. My face went probably the brightest shade of red possible in the spectrum of colors and I quickly looked for somewhere I could hide. O.K. not really, but when Jen finally asked for an introduction, the laughter continued as I uttered/stuttered, “Uh, ya, I’m Brother Lundeen.” Yes, almost poetic, I know.

Now, on any other normal day, an occurrence like [this] wouldn’t have made me so much as skip a beat. However, there was one glaring problem: Jen was absolutely breathtaking. I thought I had met just about every girl on campus that I thought was attractive…where in the world did she come from?!? I knew right then and there that I [needed] to ask her out. When? I didn’t know, but I knew I would do whatever it took.

A few days later I was back at my sister’s house and started to ask a guy in Jen’s ward about her. [When] I asked him if she was a nice girl, all he did to respond was hold up six fingers (referring to the six times he had asked her out and had been shot down). [Upon hearing this] my plans shifted a little…and I decided I would wait to ask her out until after finals were over. The last thing I needed was to get my heart broken right before my physics test. I decided to wait. Eventually, I asked her out and she actually accepted the invite! For the next week, I planned with every spare second I had what would surely be the greatest date of her and my life. At least that was my plan.

After some dinner, exploring space via the new Clark Planetarium, an hour of tandem bicycle riding, (and about $200 later), I dropped her off just before midnight. Mind you that the day before I went out with Jen, I spent 20 minutes at the grocery store debating over two deodorants because one was like ten cents cheaper than the other, yet the very next night I’m gladly dropping $200 on one date. She made me lose all sense of control, and I loved it.

THE DROP OFF:

I’ll admit, I was so nervous! After two years of missionary service, the thought of giving a girl a hug on the first date seemed like it could appear a little too aggressive, so I decided that a nice little handshake-to-hand hold would be appropriate, right? On her door step, I told her [who knows what?] and said goodnight. As I extended my hand to say thanks (thinking I was just so clever in finding a way to hold her hand)…she must have thought I was offering the classic side hug and so she started to extend her arms in a hug-like manner as my hand was reaching out to shake hers. EXTREME AWKWARDNESS filled the late summer air and in a panic I countered the blundered hug-attempt with a quick “slapping” of her hand in a high-five fashion. Are you kidding me! What had I done! I really have no recollection of what happened after that…everything just seemed to blur together in one big nightmare that had suddenly come to life. Luckily, she had already invited me to hang out again on Saturday night at a get-together her friend was having. I would do my best to redeem myself there.

I arrived at her friend Erin’s house Saturday at about 7:00pm with a couple of my good friends. I was just sure that I would be the heart of the party shortly after arriving. To my disappointment, as I entered the house, I quickly realized that I wasn’t the only boy who had been invited to the fiesta that night. There were as many “Chet’s & Johnny’s” in the living room as there are sands in the sea. And, as I should have suspected, each of them was in love with Jen. Turns out SHE was the life of the party. She handled the situation pretty well and fortunately didn’t leave me feeling too awkward, but then again, I think I saw her maybe three times the whole night. Luckily, Erin’s mom and I hit things off well, and she allowed me to do what I like to do best…to help =). Since I had vowed not to leave the party without a hug, at just the right moment (at least I thought it was), I spotted her outside and got just a minute to chat with her alone. The moment finally came, and I was able to wrap my arms around her in almost an old friend like of way. It was literally electrifying. I’ll never forget the way it felt to touch her that first time…

February 10, 2004

O.K. This is just ridiculous. Enough is enough. I am absolutely crazy about this girl. She is so amazing to me! Seven months later, I find myself still stuck on the edge of my seat. Four girls I was interested in last year have somehow tracked me down and asked if we could start dating again, but I can’t shake Jen from my mind. Truth be told, I don’t want to. These girls that I was interested in are fun and beautiful, but it seems like lately, no one but Jen is attractive to me. Not only is she attractive to me, but she is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on. In a way, she has become perfect to me. Not that she is perfect (almost) but maybe just perfect for me. She is so talented, brave, able to think for herself, and adventurous. I am crazy about her, but unfortunately, I’m not sure it’s going to work out.

Just recently, I came to a conclusion that I hadn’t expected. For a long time, I thought that love was something I would only share with the woman I was sealed to for time and all eternity…and heaven forbid I ever “waste” it on the wrong person in some preliminary relationship. And don’t you dare say the words “I love you” to the wrong person! Turns out that I couldn’t have been more wrong. After so long thinking about Jen every second of my day, I was walking across campus one day only to stop in my tracks, squint my eyebrows, [and] look down in almost astonishment to say, “Oh crap, I love this girl.” My discovery took me by surprise. I loved her not because it had been revealed to me in a vision that we were to be together for the rest of time, but rather because I had come to care so deeply for her, that I would do anything to make her happy. Even if that meant…well, whatever that meant. I had learned to care about another person in a way that surpassed any other feelings I had known.

So, even if it doesn’t work out with Jen, it’s OK. I love her in a new way, and to be honest I hope to love lots of people in life the way I love Jen. I’m learning more about myself than I ever thought I needed to. Ky, what a great chance to practice loving someone that you really care about.

February 2, 2004

Well, I told Jen I loved her. I told her why and was curious what she’d have to say. However, I didn’t say it in hope of her saying it back, I just thought I should let her know. Besides, I know she doesn’t love me. Your heart can tell when someone loves you. Hell, you should never have to wonder if a girl loves you [frustrated].

February 15, 2004

She loves me! Jen thought it would be fun to go down to St. George with her family this Valentine’s Day weekend. I wanted to visit Kelly and Tina anyway, but hesitantly accepted the offer. I ended up making a book called “I like you” for Jen that I think she really liked. It took me forever, so hopefully she loves it. We arrived Valentine’s Day night at Kelly and Tina’s to find them waiting with a candlelit dinner for me and Jen. We all ate together, yet it somehow seemed to be pretty romantic. I had asked Tina to pick up some flowers for me and she had them ready to go by the time we arrived. Tina is so great! After dinner, Chari (six years old) proceeded to interview both Jen and I separately asking us why we loved each other! Then she sat us down and filled us in on what each of us had said. How fun is that? I gave Jen the flowers and book then we headed out to her family’s place in St. George. That night after a little chat, she told me THAT SHE LOVED ME! My heart might have stopped beating for who knows how long.

If she lets me marry her, I’ll be the luckiest boy in the world.

P.S. She is such a weirdo. ?

June 2, 2004

On Friday, May 28^th the day had arrived. With the ring burning a hole in my pocket, I picked up Jen at 9:00 after she’d finished work. Unbeknownst to her, Remi had arrived from Idaho earlier that day. Kyle, Josh, Todd, and Greg would be surprising us at the restaurant (La Caille) with our own personal musical performance topped off with Jen and I dancing to Tracy Chapman’s “The Promise” (first dance together at Joseph’s wedding) in the garden room. Remi sang beautifully and the night got off to a great start. Jen looked beautiful. She was wearing a black dress with cream lining on the edges, one of my favorites. In fact, she let me pick it out. After dinner, and 30 minutes with the most annoying waiter in the world (who just about ruined the evening for us), we left on a walk to find some privacy. It was perfect, we headed down a secluded cobblestone path in the light rain that the evening had conveniently delivered. Then, at the end of the walk, where it dead ends into a small clear pond, we talked for a moment, after which I said, “Jen Hawks, you still drive me crazy, and I love it.” Then, I asked her if she would marry me. She said yes, and we hugged for a while. We ran home to tell her mom and give Jen one last surprise. All of our friends were all at the Hawks home waiting for us with cake and ice cream. Her mother was so cute, she had pictures of us on the table and made the night so enjoyable. I love Jen, she is my life. I can’t wait to spend it with her. I will make it perfect for her.